um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
