I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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