just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
