I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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