Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
