Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
