Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize