The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
