This house was built for laser tag.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
