nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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