I didn't shave. On purpose
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
