please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize