I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
