the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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