I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
