You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
