I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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