i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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