Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
