I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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