guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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