His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
