Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
