I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
