Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
