i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
