So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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