Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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