hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
