The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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