Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize