im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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