As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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