Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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