i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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