If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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