How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ladies don't puke and tell
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
