I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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