i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
