If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
COCAINE IS GR8
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize