Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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