the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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