dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
