We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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