He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
