So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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