You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
