Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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