If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize