I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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