You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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