textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
