Having a random hookup so left but love u
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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