I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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