i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
