Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
