Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
