Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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