my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
