I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
