8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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