What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize