I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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