She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
