okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
