People in love make me want to vomit
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
