its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
