just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
